Sometime last year, I would be more precise but that would involve deep reflection and arithmetic, two things which I am adamantly opposed to, I took on the scariest job in the world, sort of, as an Extra in a National Geographic documentary about paranormal encounters in Southeast Asia. Extras, in case you are not into movies/films/cinema (fucking weirdo) are those people who are in the background as stand in actors to fill out the rest of the scene, or as Wikipedia puts it, “people with aspirations to make it into the film industry and take minor roles to pave their road to future stardom in lieu of sleeping with the director”. That actually isn’t a Wikipedia entry, but it could be, as anyone can write anything there. Get on that and become a famous online film illuminati. You’re welcome.
I actually haven’t seen the movie, but the classic film Spartacus, which apparently has like ten thousand Extras in it as slaves, has a bunch of them wearing wrist watches – which is funny. Or probably not funny if you don’t know that Spartacus takes place during the Roman Empire era. Also, probably not funny unless you are into dad jokes or find movie trivia funny. But I needed an example of what an Extra is and that was the first thing that came to me. And I also like dad jokes.
Anyway, I took the job because – well I take every job – but also because as soon as I heard “National Geographic”, I envisioned myself scaling K2 with IMAX-like camera capturing me dangling one armed from a 90-degree cliff face like Tom Cruise. I later found out I would be a US soldier ghost from WWII who haunts a hospital in the Philippines. Which, as it happens, is equally appealing as playing both a soldier and a ghost are just as far away from reality for me as being a cliffhanger adventurer.
I ended up getting paid a cool 1,000 baht ($33) for my time and the use of my mug as a filler for the ghost, which is in Thailand terms is like 15 Pad Thai’s, 4 spring rolls, 6 Leo beers or a lady boy for a romantic evening – however you roll. Me? I settled on 2 Pad Thai’s, a questionable bucket of eye blinding grade vodka red bull and a shady tuk tuk ride with the aforemention bucked to celebrate my big break into the film industry. That my friends, is the price of celebrity.
The final version for the paranormal documentary series is below. As you will see, you can’t really tell it is me, as the person’s face, voice, feet, beer belly – pretty much everything was edited out. Story of my life. I did however learn to smoke a pack of cigarettes on demand though, so I got that going for me.
If you want an autograph you can send a handwritten request to my publicist and roommate (my mom).