The Great American Road Trip: Warning Fatness & Weirdness Ensue

Turner America, Blog, North America

Last Updated on

 

Las Vegas Mob Museum

I am not dead.

Not yet, anyway.

I have been dormant on this here weblog for too long. As a blogger, nay, professional bringer of the truth – or version of it anyhow – my quiet slumber from actually producing mildly informing, and even less so entertaining content has taken a serious hiatus if we are going by internet years. My sole internet purpose as of late has revolved around clicking the ‘like’ button on cute dog photos and pondering the meandering thought and quippy comments of the anonymous internet denizens vis-a-vis Reddit. It has been almost 4 forte nights, which is like 2 months, for those of you who weren’t born in 1786 or don’t watch Game of Thrones. To put things in perspective, or rather, to paint a more accurate description of my contribution to global community via the world wide web during my sabbatical from web journaling, here are the last 3 things I shared on the internet.

 

reasons to like france

fakeswan

cute dog

Yes – I have indeed becometh that which I have doth protested so much in the last 2 years: a purveyor of mindless drivel. But I don’t share baby photos, so I got that going for me. Perhaps if I speakth with old Englishy sounding words ye won’t remember me being such a lethargic piece of shit-ith?

Probably not.

Anyway, back to the point. It is May. Cinco de Mayo is over, the sombreros are put away, margarita glasses are empty and I spent the last 3 months exploring the glorious wonderland that is America. That is right me – the guy who does anything he can to escape the US heartland has spent a quarter of the year traveling around America. I spent 2 weeks doing the quintessential American South road trip in a Ford Mustang convertible with an impeccably stylish gentleman from Finland who was entirely too polite and thoughtful despite my tutelage. Don’t worry, I didn’t bring shame upon America. I was the complete and utter selfish asshole he so expected of us.

The normal US absent traveller looks over the Smoky Mountains

The normal US absent traveller looks over the Smoky Mountains, troubling to bend over with  nothing but his new armor of fat to protect him from mother nature

Mission accomplished.

This is how astronauts say 'Mission Accomplished'

This is how astronauts say ‘Mission Accomplished’

I saw America’s splendiferous – now defunct and Russian reliant Space program at the Kennedy Space Center in  Cape Canaveral Florida. And seriously, it is awesome. It is $50 to get in, but worth it’s weight in McCalories as they have the actual launch pads, the original rockets NASA shot into space during the Space race with the USSR, the Shuttle Atlantis, diabetes type-2 inducing chili dogs, a token astronaut who reminds of your granddad spinning yarns minus the racial slurs, and it is the ultimate throw back to yesteryear when America actually used to do incredible feats inside of pander to retards who believe Fox News.

Legend.

This would be a super picture but for that price tag. So lazy.

This would be a super picture but for that price tag. So lazy.

usa space shuttle rocket thrusters I indulged in the South’s famous delicious barbeque which has kept black and white folk from completely killing one another since the civil rights movement. I visited a NASCAR track and scratched my balls like my fellow patrons wondering why oh good dear God why is there not a beer stand closer to me? Actually I was still left feeling just as perplexed about how this is ‘America’s most popular sport’. And last but certainly now least, I picked up some local lingo in the South. I learned that you can say the rudest, cruelest, direct, mean-spirited, spiteful, hateful shit you want to about another human being as long as you conclude said statement of hate with “Bless their/her/his heart”.

It’s a Southern thang.

Southern Food on my Road Trip Across America

Turner looking porky

Turner looking porky

My favorite roadside diner

My favorite roadside diner

Georgia's finest roadside eatin

Georgia’s finest roadside eatin

I can't say no to a quickie hot dog in Nashville

I can’t say no to a quickie hot dog in Nashville

Pabst  Blue Ribbon - PBR - America's go to beer for hicks and hipsters alike.

Pabst Blue Ribbon – PBR – America’s go to beer for hicks and hipsters alike.

Yes – there was grits and more BBQ but that is a tale for another day.

Other Random Stuff on a Road Trip Across America

Moonshine in Tennesse

Moonshine in Tennesse

Souvenirs

Souvenirs

Cash for Gold and pawn shops everywhere

Cash for Gold and pawn shops everywhere

Totally excellent. I did try to work out a bit on the way…

My Finnish friend introducing me into TRX. Which only makes you feel bad about yourself.

My Finnish friend introducing me into TRX. Which only makes you feel bad about yourself.

And I cruised Dayton beach on a bike trying to use the beach bunnies as motivation. Unfortunately, we missed spring break by a week so we got grandmas and tweens.

And I cruised Dayton beach on a bike trying to use the beach bunnies as motivation. Unfortunately, we missed spring break by a week so we got grandmas and tweens.

NASCAR

NASCAR

The East Coast old skool light house

The East Coast old skool light house

And me making the Elvis face, or trying to, at the Piano and recording Studio B, where Elvis made like 200 songs

Me making the Elvis face, or trying to, at the Piano and recording Studio B, where Elvis made like 200 songs

Dayton Beach

Dayton Beach

Southern art meets shopping

Southern art meets shopping

A picture of Turner after his trip

A picture of Turner after his trip

A real gator on the prowl

A real gator on the prowl

the elusive albino and a gator

the elusive albino and a gator – at the Alligator Farm in St. Augustine Florida

I went to Las Vegas – a record 5 times – three of which I only lost my boxer shorts. I did the helicopter to the Grand Canyon last time, but this time, I think I pretty much did everything a person can do in Las Vegas that didn’t involve losing all of my future alimony payments to the nice Asian lady at the black jack table who is named Sue because people tip more to people with single syllable names that sound ancestrally like white America from the ‘Leave it to Beaver’ era.

View from the Stratosphere

View from the Stratosphere

Stratosphere ride - extreme something or other, basically you poop your pants. Awesome

Stratosphere ride called  ‘extreme’ something or other, basically you poop your pants with excitement. Awesome.

IMG_9247

 

Neon Park - where old Las Vegas signs find retirement

Neon Park – where old Las Vegas signs find retirement

The future face of Turner at the Mob Museum in old Las Vegas.

The future face of Turner at the Mob Museum in old Las Vegas.

Hands down my favorite show in Las Vegas - Absinthe

Hands down my favorite show in Las Vegas – Absinthe

Absinthe acrobats apparently from Ukraine

Absinthe acrobats apparently from Ukraine

American Road Trip Meets Mother Nature & the Melting Pot of Religious Beliefs

And last, but certainly not least, I also visited the great state of Utah and witnessed some of the most splendid displays of rock formations on Earth that the world’s smartest and most learned scientists say are ever changing and have taken millions of years to form, while at the same time 50% of the residences of the aforementioned state, including the all time Jeopardy champion and former presidential candidate Mitt believe in ‘magical underwear’ and that some deity put them rocks there 5,000 years ago to test our resolve in faith and reason for forking over 10% their annual income.

Bless their hearts.

And one of the Church of Latter Day Saints grounds – aka the Mormon Temple. They will show you around and old people will be overly kind to you for 2 hours. Proceed with caution.

And one for the road I title: Random bug bite to the face, or wrath of God?

So to conclude, America was every bit of the strange mix of beauty and weirdness that I thought it would be. It has it all from the most incredible nature to every fast food chain that could ever be dreamed up.

But for now, I must hit the up road again – 20 minutes from now I will board a plane and be off to my next mystery destination. I only pray that they don’t charge me for two seats, because I have become what scientists thought to be extinct for millions of years: a Fatfuckasaur.

So, as it turns out scientists, in all their acamdemic grandeur and ivory towers got it wrong.

Bless their hearts.