So I decided to release myself back into the wilds of the dating world. Not that I ever left really. I have just been so exhausted by means of traveling, trying not to get hit by a tuk-tuk, trying not to get hit by a motorcyclist, trying not to get hit by a food cart lady, trying not to get groped by lady boys, trying not to get conned into buying 6 pairs of cheap, crappy jeans that I don’t need and will probably never wear at the cheap and shity jeans market, trying to hold down this very questionable Thai street food that I love so much, that I haven’t had time to look for love, a relationship, or even so much as a hand hold. I am such a Puritan. But now that I got my Valentines Day wish – the high-speed Internet and an apartment -, I think it is time to look for love. So I took grandma’s advice and hit the Internet.
I have tried the whole online dating before in America, namely that of Match.com and PlentyOfFlish.com. However, I never really resided in the USA long enough to really get into it. The challenge I encountered was that while there was a couple of nice girls on the aforementioned websites, there were also swarms of horny men who were not afraid to use the keyboard anonymously and without conscious constraint. The result would be a horny man Blitzkrieg of sorts, which in turn creates a real life example of the lemon problem. The lemon problem, typified in a car example, deems that all used cars are worth less than their true value, as there is no way to tell if a given car is in good shape or is a piece of shit until after you have made the reluctant purchase. Thus, the spiral to the bottom of used cars. Dating online, same same but different. And while I might not be a member of that specific group per say, I am a member of the same team, there is guilt by association (the penis bearer association). I would get a message every now and then from a jaded American lady, but it was a one sided market, with one team very sick of playing with the other team. I did not meet the love of my life.
When I lived in Ukraine, I signed up for UkraineDate.com. This situation was a bit different than my American online dating experience, as the attractive female ratio was more favorable. And by more favorable I mean holy sweet mother of baby Jesus. However, the old adage the best things in life are free, well – not in Ukraine.
“I really like these shoes”
“Aren’t we suppose to be getting coffee at the cafe now?”
Does she love me, or does she love my nonexistent money? Can this relationship last if I have to constantly use iTranslate on my phone? Why does she want me to carry her tiny purse for her? I would surmise that my problems there were not the same as other older American gentlemen, who roam the land bride shopping, but still we did encounter shades of the same problems: no money no honey and language barriers. I did not meet the love of my life.
Which brings me to here. I have moved to Thailand, I decided to give this whole online thing here another go. I anticipated beforehand that the situation in Thailand would be even more different than the America and Ukraine, as the ratio of men to women (ish) is skewed in my favor, however, there is the ladyboy wildcard factor here. In case you missed the ping pong dong show memo, a lady boy is a transgender individual. They look like women, ranging from a very elderyly man in a skirt with a mustache to exceptionally hot she-women you would see in a FHM magazine, but regardless, they are carrying a concealed weapon (mostly, this would be a pre-op transgender, and I think most in Thailand are this). Needless to say, I am interested to see what will happen with my online mission to find true love, starting with the websites ThaiFriendly.com and ThaiLoveLinks.com. My only concern at this point is trying to figure out how to casually and gracefully ask if they have a penis. Too early in the conversation and it might come off as uncouth and rather rude. Too late in the conversation and it could turn out to be a bit awkward, as I selfishly want to be the only one contributing a penis in relationship equation. #ThailandDatingProblems