Looking for Love in the City of Love: Bangkok

Turner Thailand

It’s Valentines Day and I am all by my lonesome in Bangkok.

I have been in this urban jungle – with its crazy tuk tuk drivers, non-stop street sales touts, monolithic malls with endless armies of shoppers, vibrant sex shows, late night street food stalls – for 3 weeks now, but the one thing I am in need of most eludes me: high-speed internet.

It’s utterly depressing.

You see – most single men who come to Bangkok come in search of their true love. For some it might take the form of a beautiful lady of the Orient who indulges in grotesque fat bodies. For others it might be to find their wife to be who really gets them and understands that being 30 years his junior is very important in the romance game, for surely a lady any older would not be able to wheel him around. For others it might take the form of perfectly crafted female who happens to also sport a male member between her his its legs.  And for other sexpats sexually repressed location independent bloggers it might be the loving attention of a sweet Thai girl who wants nothing more than to share a nice free meal, free taxi, free gifts, free drinks, free shopping, free apartment. The list goes on and on it this urban city of sin and love, but what my heart truly desires and keeps me tossing and turning all night isn’t of thoughts of that talented girl who masterfully shoots a dart out of her vagina ever so accurately at the ping pong show, it isn’t of the magical hands that those miracle workers at Patty’s Late Night Massage have, and it isn’t the gorgeous silk jet black hair that swishes back and forth mid to lower back of these alluring Thai beauties. No – what keeps me up at night is – does this plan really include 20 mbps? Or is it really more like 13mbps? Is it really unlimited or does it top out at 5 gigs? Will they come tomorrow or will it be another week? Does it include a wireless router or is that extra?

Last night when I was enjoying the best of Bangkok’s night life, a very attractive girl at the bar informed me that the bar fine (fee one must pay to bar to take her home) would be 1,000 baht, and another 2,000 baht for the full service Bangkok special treatment.

“That sounds like a very reasonable bar fine rate to me” I said.

“But how much do you charge to hook up my Internet cable?”


While some of my expat compadres maybe taking up a classified reading:

Attention: Disturbingly fat, borderline cardiac arrest white Expat seeks extremely beautiful, fit, submissive Thai woman girl to cook, clean, and fulfill all sexual fantasies. No English necessary. Will pay top baht.

My classified I have been burning the midnight oil crafting reads:

Attention: Young, mild-mannered, Caucasian blogger seeks English speaking Thai girl to translate menus, explain why people are staring and pointing at him, and establish high-speed internet connection in his apartment. Will pay top baht.

Oh Bangkok – City of Love – please bring my deepest, darkest fantasy this Valentines Day: the ability to check my email.