HoHoHo: German Glühwein is coming to town

Turner Germany, Travel Job Tips

I like Christmas, but I fucking love Gluhwein

-Saint Nicholas

True story. There is but one thing that can keep me freezing my bratwurst off in Germany this holiday season instead of getting all sultry and Y Mama Tu Tambien down in Colombia, and her name isn’t Helga or Franzie or ….No not this lusty sweet frauline is much more addictive and her day after vengeance is much more potent, yet easier on the wallet (if done right – German gals pay for themselves, bless their little hearts).  I am of course talking about the Gluhwein (hot spiced/mulled wine) found at German Christmas markets.

christmas in cologne


Yes, Christmas time is upon us once more, and while some maybe reaching for the revolver as the in-laws are planning their home incursion, me, I am searching high and low in the Deutschland for some gainful holiday employment opportunities to support my holiday cravings. Last year my time spent as a Christmas Tree Sales Associate, paid enough to keep the lights on – or in more succinct terms, to keep the lights off courtesy of my life long friend and co-conspirator, a Mr. Jack Daniels. As we recall, last year’s seasonal employment proved in enlightening, as my christmas tree sling colleagues taught me many things from the subtle differences between Douglas Firs and Noble Firs tohow to cheat the American welfare system. But this holiday season, promises so much more, as my love of the Gluhwein will bring me to take on whatever holiday job comes my way to keep me seasonally inebriated and hawking holiday cheer nonstop for the German kiddies.


Please note – this is not true German Gluhwein served in a boot mug, but rather, it is merely some surrender monkey impersonating one, but nonetheless, it gives the idea of the process


There are dozens of cities around Germany with Christmas markets and countless markets within markets that serve this tasty beverage. And while some might say any old Christmas market will do, they obviously have not tasted this sweet nectar served in the Deutschland. It is a different beast. A true gluhwein connoisseur can taste the difference.

hot wine

The perfect mixture of spices – the tinge of orange, the aroma of cinnamon, touched off with a sprinkling of cloves.  Nay – the perfect cup of Gluhwein has much more than chemistry behind it – it is much more than a quaint mug decorated with tiny fraus in lederhosen shaped like a boot. Nay indeed. For one cannot fully appreciate the Gluhwein without in fact 1.) freezing your schnitzel off in the sub-degree weather here and 2.) without being crammed next to a festively plump Augustus Gloop barring a cup of my aforementioned love in one hand and a greasy mettwurst in the other.  No, this is Christmas time in Germany.

And with the quest for the perfect gluhwein about to unfold – you better bring your lange unterhosen and Birkenstocks, cause shit is about to get real German up in her’.