Friends, (non)-country men, lend me your tweets.
I have but one Sinterklaas wish this holiday season. And that wish is a holiday job. But not just any holiday job. I want a job as one of your Zwarte Pieten (Black Petes).
But let me explain.
I know it must sound strange. Strange that a foreigner in your flat, heavily-diked land desires to spread holiday cheer to children he doesn’t know. And stranger still that this foreigner comes from a land renowned for it’s Twinkies rather than its Pepernoten.
Now I know what you are thinking – Why should this guy be a Zwarte Piet? He isn’t even Dutch. Very true. But – Holland is country of tolerance. Of higher morale fiber and higher standards to let tourists get higher and do things out of the ordinary.
I know I don’t speak Dutch.
I know I don’t permeate the sweet scent of delicious Stroopwafels.
I know I am not freakishly tall enough to play korfball.
I know I peddle down your cobbled streets too slowly and too clumsily.
I know I forget to ring my bicycle bell as I almost run the elderly off the road.
I know I eat too many servings of kibbeling.
And I know – I know I can’t roll my G’s like a screeching broken record.
But what I do know – is that I will be the best Goddamn American Black Pete I can be.
All of these are statements are undeniable, but what also is true is that Sinterklaas is a season of hope, that even a hopeless, humbled yet still determined American can help make some Dutch children’s holiday a little bit brighter by showing that anyone can be a Black Pete, even an American guy.
Please help me make this dream into a reality by spreading this message to all your countrymen and maybe with a little luck, a little determination, a little holiday magic.
You can help make this holiday miracle come true.
And please message me at turner (at) aroundtheworldin80jobs.com if you have a Zwarte Piet position to fill.