An Open Sinterklaas Plea to the People of Holland

Friends, (non)-country men, lend me your tweets.

I have but one Sinterklaas wish this holiday season. And that wish is a holiday job. But not just any holiday job. I want a job as one of your Zwarte Pieten (Black Petes).

But let me explain.

I have written to everyone but mighty Saint Nicolaas himself – the .infos, the .nl’s, the Sinterklaas’s, the tourism boards, KPN  – in search of the this dream holiday job as Black Pete.

I know it must sound strange. Strange that a foreigner in your flat, heavily-diked land desires to spread holiday cheer to children he doesn’t know. And stranger still that this foreigner comes from a land renowned for it’s Twinkies rather than its Pepernoten.

Now I know what you are thinking – Why should this guy be a Zwarte Piet?  He isn’t even Dutch. Very true. But – Holland is country of tolerance. Of higher morale fiber and higher standards to let tourists get higher and do things out of the ordinary.

I know I don’t speak Dutch.

I know I don’t permeate the sweet scent of delicious Stroopwafels.

I know I am not freakishly tall enough to play korfball.

I know I  peddle down your cobbled streets too slowly and too clumsily.

I know I forget to ring my bicycle bell as I almost run the elderly off the road.

I know I eat too many servings of kibbeling.

And I know – I know I can’t roll my G’s like a screeching broken record.

But what I do know – is that I will be the best Goddamn American Black Pete I can be.

All of these are statements are undeniable, but what also is true is that Sinterklaas is a season of hope, that even a hopeless, humbled yet still determined American can help make some Dutch children’s holiday a little bit brighter by showing that anyone can be a Black Pete, even an American guy.

Please help me make this dream into a reality by spreading this message to all your countrymen and maybe with a little luck, a little determination, a little holiday magic.

You can help make this holiday miracle come true.

And please message me at turner (at) aroundtheworldin80jobs.com  if you have a Zwarte Piet position to fill.