09 Sep Why I Love & Hate Brazil
Originally and the feeling of one’s dignity are achieved only through work and struggle
Don’t be a lazy sac of shit
– Turner Barr
Okay, Okay. I am must apologize to you all. It has been a crazy couple months in thong/samba land aka Brazil. I normally am not this lazy in the writing and video department but – in Brazil – my heart of hearts sings to the melody of a mocking jay, or maybe it’s a cockatoo.
I don’t know, I hate birds. Anyway, my reason for my online absence isn’t because I don’t love you dearly – I do. It is just that they, meaning Brazilians as a collective whole, have conspired in sorts to keep me from you. You see they have bars, tons of bars, and worse yet Brazilians don’t stop partying or inviting me to parties or trying to stuff my already fat face with their barbecue at parties. It is a hard life. It is like being a kid in candy land whilst suffering from type II diabetes – you know you must not partake in it all, but you can’t resist. You are 11 years old after all. Your sense of hope and invincibility hasn’t been crushed by the bitter realities of life yet. That is what it is like trying to motivate oneself in Brazil. Distractions overfloweth. I am one hot scantily dressed woman and caipirinha away from my online self completely withering away in downward spiral of self-loathing – or possibly Latin bliss.
But enough of that excuse making -what do you think I am some kind of disgruntled, unemployable millennial? Perhaps, but to be more succinct I have been pre-occupied with all of the following and will write about them in due time:
-Being rejected by hot Brazilian women
-Non-stop street parties, house parties, Monday parties, Tuesday parties, the sun is out parties, my friend left for the weekend and just returned parties (yes – a party for every occasion. That is how Brazil do baby)
-Invites to barbecues aka vegan nightmare
-Being rejected by more Brazilian women
-Experimentation with narcotics of dubious legal status
-Trying to master the art of Brazilian kissing (note, I could probably write a whole post about this, but Brazilians have the most unique kissing culture I have ever seen. I liken it to two velociraptors attacking each other in a bar. It is swift, relentless, and very open mouthed. You’ve been warned.)
-Writing poetry (seriously, you will understand soon)-Hustling to network with new people and find more glorious jobs
-Watching every reality tv show I can get my hands on brainstorming formats for TV shows (more on this in the future. Sidenote, just when you thought the American entertainment industry could stoop no lower in showing the depravity of human beings, they started making these…)
-Brazilian football matches
-Catching my roommate snogging innocent Brazilian girls
-Helping the elderly cross the street (note, this does not in fact impress Brazilian women:( )
-Trying to get a job as a Brazilian swimsuit model (true story)
-Smoking so many local cigarettes made from dried corn husk, called Paiol (pronounced Pi Oh!), that it actually made me kick my smoking habit altogether.
So yeah, I have been a little busy. My Portuguese still sucks balls. My dance skills here are non-existent – unless stomping on girls’ feet is considered the correct technique. I almost get run over on a daily basis by traffic. And yet, I love Brazil. It is in my top 3 favorite countries of all time. Yeah – that is right, Brazil has charged into the top contender status. And I don’t usually say that kind of sentimental shit in case one of the mothers’ of my illegitimate children should be reading this (or Google Translating more likely) and then try to convince me to stay and do the right thing.
Fuck that noise.
No I am usually abstain from saying I rank country xyz as whatever as it leads to jealousy amongst countries, and God knows we don’t need anymore conflicts going on…
So here we are once more. Me hacking away desperately on a keyboard and you trying to pretend to be busy at work by avoiding eye contact with supervisors.
So what do I really have to say in summation about Brazil. Well really only three of things:
1) I hate you. You prevented me from doing any semblance of work the last 3 months.
2) I fucking love you man. Brazil is in my top 3 favorite countries of all time – and I’ll tip you off to the secret sauce: it’s the people
2) There is no 3, I am drinking whiskey and thought better of myself.
So without anymore babble,
Let’s both get back to work carpe diem this bitch.