Timeshare Tours: Touring with Chuck and Larry

Timeshare Tours

“Hey new guy…got the perfect tour for you coming in.”

My name is not in fact new guy. But it had only been two weeks, so why should I expect them to remember my name.

Me: “Oh yeah? That’s great.”

Management: “You are from San Francisco right? Cause we got a couple of homos coming in that will be perfect for ya.” (big grin, revealing his stained teeth with gold fillings).

Never underestimate the charm and sophistication of middle management.

Very overweight Paul and his equally out of shape partner Carlos were thrilled to be going on their first timeshare tours. They absolutely adored Mexico and “it’s cute little Mexicans”. As we began our timeshare tours, I felt at ease with the friendly gay duo. Their excitement was a nice break from the drudgery and grim cloud of misery bestowed by the sales vultures. Everything we talked about radiated positivity and an air of wonderment. But as I worked my way through the Discovery (Vacation survey), I began sensing stares from co-workers. My awareness of their attention was not unfounded as I glanced over my shoulder to see two managers looking at our table obviously discussing us intently.

What was so interesting that they had to rudely stare down my table? I know my clients were very gay and very fat, but they aren’t unicorns. Gay and fat is hardly an impressive distinction in this town, as it is in fact Puerto Vallarta and there are Americans here. The curious looks from employees eyeing my table almost reached a breaking point as even the “room boy” (15 year old Mexican waiter) peaked his head around the bar to gawk at the table

“Hey guys, pardon the interruption. Paul, can I have a word with you?”

Before I knew what was going on, my manager had pulled away one of the duo off to one of the side tables. Carlos was also clearly perplexed and alarmed at such a “frightfully unnerving interruption to our splendid boys chit-chat”. As the manger and Paul returned, the manager addressed the group.

“So Paul and I had a talk, and you guys are okay to go on the tour today. I just have to go to the computer to check the status of Paul’s ex-wife’s timeshare ownership”.

As strange as it was awkward, Paul divulged that he had in fact been married to a woman for 16 years up until a year ago, when he ran off with Carlos. However, unbeknownst to Carlos, while the gay duo was together, Paul had bought his ex-wife a timeshare at another resort my manager had worked at as kind of guilt, severance package before fully embracing his new gay journey.

Needless to say, new facts about previous deceptions do not usually manifest well on romantic relationships when brought to attention by a stranger, especially when the couple’s relationship is very new, and very gay. It was like watching an adolescent girl experiencing her first PMS firestorm whilst shopping with her mom. The tour had whining, passive aggressive sucker punching mixed with emotional outbursts, and the inevitable crying breakdown.

Morale of the story?

Even going gay can’t prevent a woman from screwing up your life.

Turner barr
turnerbarr@gmail.com

Hi, my name is Turner. I travel the world, hustle to find interesting jobs, and write about what happens when you read too many self-help books.

1Comment
  • Socialkenny
    Posted at 08:08h, 23 February

    Lmao you crack me up with this one Turner lol.