bad seo

Learning SE0 the Hard Way

The internet can be a cold, dark and lonely place, especially when your SEO is shit. I have been hacking away for a year now – and I do mean hacking – hack writing, hack computer skills, hack social media prowess – if there is a hack and something seriously gone terrible wrong lurking about – no doubt I will not be far behind. And let me tell you – the rabbit hole goes deep when you have no idea what you are doing. When I first started my site, I briefly read up on the essentials – you know, the world wide web and the rest of the online hubbub shebang. I read the blogs (at least ones involving the alleged easy women from far away lands) of course, but never seriously committed myself to the study of much of anything. You read an article here, peruse a random website there. But just like playing Farmville, or pursuing a liberal arts degree other pursuits of petty and aimless online mental masturbation, when it is all over and done with, you are utterly exhausted, and just want to hit the off switch only to rinse and repeat tomorrow. Information overload they say. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so fackin’ tragic the Irish might say. Sure sounds Irishy anyway. It seems reminiscent of that initial rush of excitement from finishing university, only to discover a graduation with an inundation into the adult boredom camp known to some as the real world. And just like that, as if it all happened in the blink of an eye, you get to experience that glorious moment of what the fuck just happened?

It’s been a year since this site went live. Well – a year a some small change. And I am still left scratching my head wondering what is the internet, how does it work, and why the hell does it hate me so. Well maybe it doesn’t but the people who use it sure do.  But – let’s stop talking all anecdotally and quit the cryptic jibber jabber by taking a look at the data and see if we can pull out some pearls so that I may better understand my own plight.

The number one search term that Google ranks my site for: Sex in Cuba.

Oh yes. But also, Cuban Sex and Sexo Cubano also score respectable marks as well. But hey guy — wait a minute? Why does a website about a hopeless unemployable vagabond who roams the globe with dreams of finding his destine occupation and muse, score so profoundly well for fornication on a Caribbean Island that his belligerent uncle says he can’t even legally go to? Good question.  But better question, who is searching for this term and which of you sick fucks who searched that are reading this right now?

Moving on. I would be remiss if I didn’t give some accolades to other notable mentions in my SEO success this year.

So keywords and phrases also ranking well (in no particular order):

 

-fat girl for editing

-tree clothes

-young strokers

-terrifying swimming hole

-fat woman in bathroom

-communal shower experience

-gay bums

-half baked the guy

-expensive russian brides

-big snow globes

-sexual pose fat

-naughty america children

…and my favorite – Gay men little rock craigslist

I am not creative enough to make shit like this up. This is my SEO. This is that baby that probably should get thrown out with the bath water leaving that aborted fetus in a back alley dumpster crying – man you fucking suck at SEO.

I probably should have read Sean Ogles How to Become an SEO Freelancer more closely, or the maybe paid more mind to the incoherent ramblings of that ambiguously gay Brit, but when you are hacking about online you can get distracted from what you should be listening to and accidently pay more attention to what you shouldn’t be listening to (HoneyBooBoo, Storage Wars, Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader, CSPAN).

You know for the prolific amount of grammatical errors that occur on this copy-editor’s webpage (regularly) and for the profoundly confusing slang this wannabe copy-write throws up, I can’t wait to see what kind of SEO specialist I will  turn into this year– But if I may be so bold as to make a Mayan like prediction – I bet I will get this site ranking top three for Mexican Midgets Fisting Gay Donkeys Discounted Tickets Guy come spring time.

Turner barr
turnerbarr@gmail.com

Hi, my name is Turner. I travel the world, hustle to find interesting jobs, and write about what happens when you read too many self-help books.

9 Comments
  • Rachel
    Posted at 22:28h, 08 January

    I like your humor, and as much as I would like to believe that those really are your ranking keywords, I think they’re too graphic lol.  I actually checked them and I think you can take advantage of it, there are a lot of gay keywords suggestions in Google Keyword tool.  You can check out some great seo updates at http://searchengineland.com/, that’s my favorite seo site.  As for the content, man, you’re doing a great job. keep it up! 😉

  • Gigi Griffis
    Posted at 01:03h, 09 January

    Awesome. I get stuff about grandma’s cleavage and nudists defecating, myself. Always a win.

  • Our Oyster
    Posted at 19:47h, 09 January

    hahahaha nice. I rank best for resoleing shoes and zebra facts. hahaha

  • Alex
    Posted at 02:58h, 10 January

    Pahaha I suck at SEO too. Having Butts in my title just really yields all kinds of weird traffic. I’m launching a new site soon, so maybe I’ll do some research before then.

    • Around the World in 80 Jobs
      Posted at 17:33h, 10 January

      Yeah. Knowing SEO I can imagine would be quite beneficial. Not that I dont appreciate people looking for sex in cuba…

  • travelFREAK
    Posted at 21:01h, 12 January

    Hahaha hilarious! Yeah, SEO ain’t easy, bro. My site gets ranked for “ladyboys in singapore.” awesome.

  • Adventure Travel Jobs Abroad
    Posted at 12:33h, 17 January

    […] week I evaluated the SEO on my site – revealing that for six months now, Sex In Cuba, remained the returning and undisputed […]